Cat vs Trump
Is your cat smarter than Donald Trump?Already read The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump? Gobbled up Fire and Fury? Well, how about some Fire and FURRY. It's time to give your cat a pick me up, as we pit its wits against the President...You know Donald Trump, right? Wobbly orange trumpet on legs? The answer to the question: 'What would the offspring of a Wotsit and a dolphin look like?' Yeah, that guy. Well, he also happens to be the 45th President of the United States of America. There are many questions to be asked of Trump - did he collude with Russia? Is his hair made from caramelised orangutan farts? More pressing than all of them, though, is this: Is he smarter than your cat?*There's only one way to find out...To complete the Cat vs Trump test you will need:A catA pencilThe ability to forget that the world feels like it's on the brinkof nuclear apocalypse for a bitA reminder of POTUS's biggest gaffes and a genuine cat IQ test all in one, this is the perfect present for cat lovers and Donald detractors alike... *SPOILER ALERT - NO
The Crap Secret Santa Gift Book
By Secret Santa
A budget-friendly Secret Santa present for fans of How to Poo at Work and Very British Problems featuring advice on how to survive the office christmas party, silly games to play in meetings and, on one page, a picture of a really evil swan. Perfect for that bloke in marketing whose name you've forgotten. Dear _____,Look, I never signed up to this 'Secret Santa' crap. If I had it my way we'd spend the money on a paddling pool and fill it with gin, or a pool table or something. And I'm sure you're great, but in all honesty I'm not really sure who you are. That's why I pretended to be on my phone in the lift the other day.Anyway, seeing as it's compulsory, I decided to get you this very expensive and interesting book, featuring such things as: Tips on how to survive the office partyStupid games to play in meetingsExamples of things I could have got you instead of this bookA picture of a swanLet's face it, you're only going to leave this behind in the pub or give it to your weird nephew you're secretly terrified of, so stop complaining.Oh, and Merry Christmas.Yours,'Secret Santa'
By John Kv Eunson
So what have the Scots ever done for the world then?Well, most people will know about John Logie Baird (inventor of television), Alexander Graham Bell (the telephone) and Alexander Fleming (penicillin).But what about Alexander Cummings from Edinburgh? It would be hard to imagine getting through the day without using his invention - the flushing toilet. Or how about William Cullen from Glasgow? There would be a lot of sour milk (and warm beer) without the first man to demonstrate artificial refrigeration.And then there's Alexander Bain from Caithness? Can anyone really imagine a world without his invention - the fax machine? The list goes on and on; Janet Keillor from Dundee (marmalade), James Clerk Maxwell from Edinburgh (radio waves), John Reith from Stonehaven (the BBC), James Black from Uddingston (beta-blockers) James Bowman Lindsay from Angus (light bulbs), James Goodfellow from Paisley (the ATM), Dugald Clerk from Glasgow (the two-stroke engine), Alexander McRae from the Kyle of Lochalsh (speedos), James Blyth from Kincardineshire (the first electricity producing wind turbine). Caledonia Dreaming tells the often frankly unbelievable stories behind these discoveries and looks at how they, along with the writers, philosophers, philanthropists and bankers of Scotland have left their unique, indelible mark on the modern world.
Chin Up Britain
By Jenny Eclair
Chin up, Britain! Now is the time to return to basic commonsense and embrace a new austerity. Can't afford a holiday? Slather on some sun tan lotion that smells of coconuts, at least you'll smell like you're on holiday. Don't know what to do with a left-over half a banana? Discard it surreptitiously on the floor of a government-owned building, 'accidentally' slip on it and claim thousands of pounds of compensation. Can't afford new shoes? Polish your old ones. And if all else fails, why not sell your children on ebay?In her inimitable style, Jenny Éclair brings you helpful and hilarious tips for changing the way you live, including beauty on a budget, identifying your swappable skills (burying dead animals, tuning a freeview box), improving manners on public transport, the fine art of 'out-presenting' and a guide to gate-crashing.