It's just a week until Christmas, and if you're anything like me you'll somehow still be lying to your nearest and dearest about the amazing gifts you've already bought them. "I can't wait to see your face when you open it," I say again and again, cruelly. Sure, it feels good to deceive, but it's time we all took a long, hard look in the mirror and finally bought those gifts they've always wanted. And who better to inspire us with our choices than regular Amazon customers? If you read the list below and aren't tempted in some way to buy the products described, you're certainly a less pathetic man than I.
1. The Original Three Wolf Moon Adult T-Shirt (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Original-Three-Wolf-Adult-T-Shirt/dp/B002DGFYFA/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3)
An instant canine classic in the US, boasting over 1,500 customer reviews, and it's really starting to take off here in the UK too. One customer claims "I no longer recognise Earth's laws" while wearing the garish garment. Another brazenly states "I can hear sounds inaudible to the human ear". But with every positive there must be a negative (physics, so…). One customer complained: "I would also have likes to see 'Howl' written at a 30 degree angle from bottom left in a horror-esque fashion in a dripping blood red font and colour". Another moaned: "I just can't help thinking an additional Wolf wouldn't go a miss.' Fair point, though FOUR wolves seems a tad excessive. There weren't four chipmunks after all. Or wise men. Or even members of Hansen. Food for thought nonetheless.
2. Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen, Medium Point, Black (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bic-Crystal-Ballpoint-Medium-Point/dp/B000JTOYLS/ref=cm_lmf_tit_4)
I already know what you are thinking: 'But I've already got loads of those.' Well, my response to that is: 'do you?' Does your Bic pen write well on both the "shopping list on the notice board in the kitchen" AND "the Post-it notes next to the phone"? These customers certainly think so: "I would happily recommend this pen to anyone who is planning on writing on paper", "I sat at my meeting and confidently removed the cap from my pen and it wrote flawlessly, almost immediately." Only one person disliked it, but rather sportingly cautions "left-handers to try before you buy". Good man.
3. Penetrating Wagner's "Ring" (Da Capo Paperback) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Penetrating-Wagners-Ring-Capo-Paperback/dp/0306804379/ref=cm_lmf_tit_5)
"Its climactic final moments leave one exhausted and spent." Need I say more?
4. Chrome Plated Toilet Roll Holder & Storer (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chrome-Plated-Toilet-Holder-Storer/dp/B001TO4Y3K/ref=cm_lmf_tit_9)
Apparently only one funny review for this one (besides a very stern, serious complaint about the product's 'depth'…), but it's an instant winner: "I have to say its brilliant, you can dry clothes, or being 35 years old you can put blankets over it and build a fort in the garden which you can use to hide from the wife. She hasn't found me yet." And may you forever be concealed, brave 'Goat Boy'.
5. Aluminium Foil 18" (450mm x 75m) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Aluminium-Foil-450mm-75m-establishment/dp/B003MAEDNA/ref=cm_lmf_tit_14)
Arguably the most interesting of the products mentioned thus far, the 18" Aluminium Foil describes itself as 'Great for dispensers'. And buyers certainly believe in it too. From the philosophical - "For every Hamlet, a Laertes. For every Holmes, a Watson. And now, for every kitchen, 18" Aluminium Foil from Sussex Supplies" - to the downright practical - "The generous provision of 75 metres of this 450mm-wide metallic wonder is a refreshing change from the the frustrating 10 metre lengths of inferior products" - and, um, beyond: "By far the best for making aluminium shield hats to ward off aliens". A must buy.
But if none of the above tickle your fancy, then why not just drive into the desert until you run out of petrol? Failing that, simply treat a loved one to any of our lovely Christmas titles on the right.